Finding Me

Let me tell you a little fact about myself: I always want to be someone else. You know that quote "Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known" (by Chuck Palahniuk)? That is one of the many quotes that accurately describes me. However, I think this is the only one that truly demonstrates who I am and who I want to be.

When you're growing up, you always wish you could be in a movie or a book. I've always wished I was a mermaid because, well, who wouldn't want to live under the sea? But as I've gotten older (yeah, I realize seventeen isn't that much older), my idols and my role models have turned into actual people. And I try to be like them a lot. In fact, it seems like every day I want to be someone else. And not because I don't like who I am (believe me, there are many times where I mentally give myself a high-five), but because other people are just better. It's like I'm a huge art project, and I'm picking out the best things from magazines and pasting them on myself to make me better.

I already made a post about who I admired and who I genuinely liked as people. However, I don't think you got the whole story. Yes, I like certain people. Doesn't everyone? That's why people like Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato are famous. They are sweet, beautiful, and trendy. But, for me, they're more than that. These people I adore aren't just celebrities or internet personalities, they are real people who remind me, in some ways, of myself. Maybe not the current version of me, but a future one. That's why I like to write philosophical blog posts about the universe, why I love wearing rings and nail polish, and why I really genuinely wish I knew how to be strong and grown up and get a job. These people are who I want to be. Not them, identically, but their essence. I want to be able to the spirit of these amazing artists, but in my own unique way.

A few months ago I went on a weekend retreat with one of my best friends, and we were given surprise letters from loved ones and various people. One in particular really made an impact on me. It was written by my relatives (My grandma's cousin and her husband), and it really just hit me.  They said that most people "find themselves" when they're in their twenties; however, I probably wouldn't be doing that because I'm finding myself now. And I couldn't agree with them more. I think that because I spend so much time by myself, I really understand who I am. I understand what I love, what I hate, and what are my weaknesses. And I've reached a point in my life where I can honestly say that I don't care. When I was in middle school, I reached my peak of "What will they think if I wear this T-Shirt to school? What if my hair is in a ponytail? What if I wear the same jeans twice?" And now, I guess I care, to an extent, but I really don't give a crap what people think of me. Some people are gonna embrace me, some will think I'm crazy. I just want to be happy with the things I've done. If I'm not happy, what should I be doing?

The truth is, I know what I want to be. I want to be all the people I adore put into one. I can't exactly do that at the moment because I'm not at that tipping point where I prove who I am. I'm still the girl who doesn't have a license, who doesn't have a job or money, who really doesn't understand the "real world". And I don't think I'll be who I am until I pass all those barriers (and many more). To find who I am, I have to find my true home. Whether that be at a college in Nashville, or in some place only God knows. I know there really isn't anyone reading this, but if you are, thank you for listening. And I hope you find yourself too.