Soundtrack in My Mind

at the moment.

listening to: today by willamette stone
reading: a dance with dragons (not really but technically)
smelling: my dinner from tonight (frozen ravioli)
looking forward to: going to work so i can get paid BUT ALSO THAT THING THAT I CAN'T TALK ABOUT
wishing for: the chance to travel and take as many photos as possible
missing: laura and mom and dad
obsessing over: inkheart and the if i stay soundtrack
feeling: happy and content
dreading: my 6am workout on monday ):

i just don't want to forget this. college. whatever. this weekend i saw if i stay and spontaneously went to wendy's at 11pm and took some pretty pictures and did homework and all in all it was pretty...normal? but it made me really happy. it's crazy how in just a few weeks at school i'm already happier than i ever was all summer at home. like granted i loved summer. i had some amazing times. and i love doing nothing and i love reading all the time and just living, but for some reason being down here without my family and with my college friends, life is just better. i think it would be even greater if laura was here too, but i'll get over it i guess. i honestly think half of it is just my parents and how involved they are in my life at home versus here, but even just the people, the friends i do or don't have make a huge different. at home i have some amazing friends, but there aren't that many and even then we don't see each other that often. and i don't have a home church and i don't have delight or sanctuary or anything. it's just odd because i remember in high school thinking that i'd have my high school friends in my wedding. and then slowly, one by one, those friends disappeared from my life. true there are still a number of them i keep up with and love and probably will have in my wedding (if that's a thing), but compared to what it was? it's almost nothing now. and i'm not sad or bitter about it, really. it's just weird to think about. i don't know what will happen with my college friends, but i've found that there are more people here that are just...they're more than acquaintances but not exactly what i'd call friends because i don't hang out with them regularly...? in high school i had people i knew and people who'd talk to me once or twice a week in a class, but here i actually say hi to people on campus when i see them. i actually feel like i'm noticed and appreciated and it's so much better than high school. and i've noticed how much i've changed to. in high school i didn't want to be out. i didn't want to do things or try to step out of my comfort zone OR, more importantly, do things to make others happy. it's amazing how many things i do not because i really want to but because i know others want me to. not in a "i'm a people pleaser" kind of way but in a "i'm going to make a sacrifice for you because i love you and i think you deserve a better jenna than what she wants to be" kind of way. and it's made me better. now i actually talk to my roommate and i do the dishes without complaining (usually) and i say yes and my life feels simultaneously busier and yet not. i must have done a lot of nothing in high school because i'm slightly busier now and i still have time to sit on the computer for hours.

the only time i will ever say this: i love growing up.