Spiraling down, down, down.

It was one of those nights where you find yourself driving on an empty street with just street lights and a stop sign for company. When suddenly the music creeps up behind you and you can't do anything but sit. Petrified that someone will pull up behind you or pass in front of you and make you jolt onto the next street. There was something both beautiful and haunting about this. Haunting that in that moment, I could sit for God knows how long and just listen to music on a quiet street at night. Beautiful because in that moment I was completely and utterly alone and at peace with the world. It shocked me because for the past few days and weeks I've felt this horrible combination of complete freedom and complete...for lack of a better word, torture. It's kind of indescribable how you can go from feeling so happy, and I mean the kind of happy that appears out of nowhere and suddenly you can't help but live in the moment and wish that it'd never end, to completely brokendown and not feeling at all. Feeling sad and depressed but also lost and forgotten and fed-up with everything that's going on. I'm not saying I have it hard or that I'm ungrateful or clinically depressed or suicidal or anything like that, but I am saying that something has to change. I can't go on dreading the weekdays like I do. At this point, all they are are obstacles to the weekend when I can watch movies or hang out with my friends or work on various projects. I don't like Sundays anymore because I don't do my homework then. I put it off until the weekdays. And that just makes the weekdays harder and harder. I'm just really confused because everyone tells me senior year goes by so fast and even though it has, I don't understand why it's still February and why I'm still doing government packets and studying (well, not studying per-say, but panicking after not studying) for physics tests when I don't even want to be at school half the time. When I don't even want to do anything but go to college or live like a broke twenty-year-old who doesn't know what to do. Everyone talks about senioritis, and I know I have it, but for some reason I'm still horrified about not doing my homework in hard classes or getting bad grades on tests. I mean, I don't study, and I guess that's become my senioritis, but I do and care about everything else. And it sucks. When all you want to do is make a book club (and read Narnia) or watch movies or listen to music or go out to eat or buy things or take pictures or even just have some adventure, school and "real life" just get in the way. And I thought I knew what that felt like, and I thought that I've been through those feelings before and that I've conquered them, but suddenly they're back and they are not going away so easily. In case you were wondering, I am ready for summer. I held out through winter a good long time. I've wanted Christmas since October and now that it's almost Valentine's Day, I'm ready for the cold and the lonely and the inside to disappear. Speaking of Valentine's Day, I watched the movie today and it made me want to go to college so I could meet a fun guy. Friend or more than friend I want to have a guy I can talk to. Ugh. What is wrong with me. I'm just spiraling down, down, down.