Regular life scares me.

I can never tell if I'm getting...better. Because sometimes I really think I am and then when I get myself alone everything is different. It's almost as if when I'm with those people, I put on an act, but I really don't put on an act because I feel that way in that moment...but then, like I said, after they all leave, and I'm left with me, I get different. I don't know if different means I'm progressing towards this great enlightenment where I know who I am and where I'm going and that I'm okay being alone or whoever I am or if different means that I'm stuck going back to something...else. Something...not good.

This Valentine's Day I spent time alone but also with Laura. I don't know if you've noticed, but Laura is my anchor. She's nothing special, just another part of me. And that in itself is everything. I don't know why, but when I talk to her or hang out with her I just feel better. And that's weird because we were always just kind of good company for the other. And this year we turned into the same people and now we're just kind of going through things with inside jokes and cute stories to tell. I guess I'm just thankful that God put her in my life because without her, I would have a very hard time accepting things and doing regular life things. I'm starting to think about college and spending time by myself or with new people and that scares me. At the same time though, it's exciting. I get to be anything I want to be. Going into high school you could try to do that, for the people from the other middle school, but basically you're the same person you always were just with a little more fashion sense (ish) and a little more life experience. The thing about college is, since I'm moving out of state, I get a completely fresh start. I can go into college being overly spirited and go to football games and basketball games and talk to everyone I see and be really nice and outgoing. I could be the girl that everyone goes to for class advice or relationship advice or the girl who just makes people laugh. What I really want to be though, is me. I want to be the girl who is sarcastic and funny who wears nice (but not too expensive) clothes and listens to great music and gets too excited about things and who reads all the time and take pictures and makes great friendships. I want to be high school me, but without all the baggage and past that I have now. What I'm trying to say is, regular life scares me. Those nights when you end up watching the same TV show or eating leftovers or going to school or just doing regular things. The nights I really live for (which I never thought I'd say) are the nights where things happen. Not necessarily huge things, but memorable things. Little moments that take your breath away. Big moments that make you realize how amazing human beings are. In between moments that are never really planned, but speak to you all the same. And to be honest, I feel like I should be saying all this to someone real (a doctor or a friend or my parents), but it wouldn't be the same. So, I'll just keep listening to sad music and thinking about the future. Thank you for listening.