Always Searching

I close my eyes and imagine things. Not just any things, beautiful things. Things that I wish could be my reality.

You and I are sitting on a blanket. You're laughing at some photo you saved on your phone and I roll my eyes. Even though you're slightly obnoxious, I've missed you. We're eating ice cream and talking about everything. We're seniors. We miss our favorite book series. We're gonna fail our classes this year. We hate everyone. And even though many things have changed, you're still the funny girl with funny hair who makes me smile. You're so cliche and strange, but you're perfect. You're the kind of teenager I wish I could be. And sometimes, I'm the same. Like right now. Right now we're just two kids watching fireworks and ignoring the outside world.

I don't know what I'm searching for. I keep saying I'm lonely and bored and over everything that's happening to me, but what do I really want? What would make me happy and content and free? I keep telling myself that things will get better and I'll get that special thing that will make me happy. I've been admiring a pair of over head headphones on Amazon, but I don't know how much that will help me. It says they block outside noise. Is that what I really need? Or do I just want to block the inside noise? I spend way too much time looking inside myself for answers. Maybe I should be looking outside of myself; maybe I should be searching for God. 

They all say God will cure us. He will be the happiness we need, the beauty we seek. And I can understand that, but somehow it's hard to believe. And other times it isn't. Those days when I can walk into the sun and see the beauty that is God's creation or when I talk to those people who make me smile. God is here. I can feel him. I just can't see Him clearly yet. But I promise this: someday I will.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." - Proverbs 16:3