Jenna Overthinks Yet Again

I don't exactly know how to explain what I've been feeling over the past few days...weeks...something like that. I've been trying for forever to get this feeling out of me, but I just can't. It's like I'm simultaneously drowning and treading water. Doing great and doing terribly. Sad and happy. At the same time. I'm mad and snappy at some people, and there are others that I just want to sit with for hours to talk about the universe. It's like I'm really moody, but I'm not. I know I'm being mean to people, I know I look sad and feel sad, and yet I don't fix it. And part of this has to do with my spiritual life disintegrating before my eyes, but it's also not going anywhere. I've stopped wanting to consistently go to church and worship nights and yet I'm constantly thinking about God and asking Him to show Himself. I push him out of my mind to do things like reading and obsessing over Taylor Swift and yet I always find myself thinking "I JUST WANT GOD AND I WANT TO HUG HIM AND I MISS HIM."

This weekend I went on a retreat where the theme was "known" and I realized that hardly anyone really knows me. And in all honesty, I don't know if my mom knows me (and I don't know her at all). Like what I really want to do is call up a bunch of people (at school and at home) and be like "Hey! I know I haven't really talked to you about myself, but can we just sit and chat? I need a listener." And I know beyond a doubt that I could do this with my mother and she would agree. She'd be so happy and we would go out and when she finally looked at me with her wide eyes to let me speak, I would be silent. I would say it was a mistake. I'd say I had nothing to share, that I was fine, that my life just is what it is. But I hate that I'm like that. I want to open up to her and share that I've read over 50 books this year and that she should read some of them. I want to tell her that I have been doubting God's presence this year and that I don't read my bible and that I don't really know how to pray consistently and that I'm scared that I'm losing my spirituality. I want to tell her that I feel like I'm getting fatter and I haven't worked out in a long time and that I feel like a horrible person who eats a lot. I want to tell her that I have a video project due soon and that I'm writing another novel (this time about 12 modern disciples of God) and that I'm gonna see Mockingjay at 11:30 on the 20th and that I can't wait to be home and that I miss her. I want to ask her about her relationship with God and about her spiritual life and her reading life and how her friends are doing and how her relationships with Dad and Jon are going. I want to ask her what she needs in her life and what she wishes she knew about me and what she wants to do in the future. I've spent almost 20 years pushing myself away from her and I wish I knew how to pull her towards me. I wish I knew how to push myself back. And I'm pretty sure she reads this blog sometimes (which is why I'm hoping she'll read this and find a way to understand where I'm coming from). I just want a hug. And I want to stop feeling so unknown and so lost.

I'm actually excited to say that since I don't work on Wednesday because of class registration, I'm hoping to go do a serious workout at the gym. And I'm going to postpone some reading just because I'm not ready to read Blood of Olympus and nothing sounds enticing right now. I'm going to try and finish this novel and I'm going to do my school work and pay attention for the next two weeks. I'm not going to give up yet.

I had this moment a little while back where I was thinking about something (I don't know what) and I had this insane urge to be home. I keep saying I want Christmas because I want to be done with this semester, yes, but it no longer means that I want gifts. It doesn't mean I want to eat good food (even though I do) or that I want to see snow (even though I do). Christmas as an adult means something completely different than when you're a child or when you're in high school. Now it is an excuse to call off work and to go home and see your parents and talk to your little brother. It's a time to drive for 7 hours to get home, all the while playing old Christmas CDs and cranking up the heat in the car. It's when you go home and go to your parents' church and sing hymns and when you take family photos and when you set up the tree with ornaments you made in pre-school. It's about sacrificing yourself to make your family happy. I know these thoughts will wash off as soon as I shower that first morning back at home, but I'm making a holiday promise to myself. I promise to do more of what everyone else wants. I will do the dishes without asking because I don't have homework to do. I'll go out with Mom because she needs the company and she wants my advice. I'll listen to Dad talk about the new Foo album and the Walking Dead because that's what he's passionate about. I'll ask Jon how he's enjoying school and where he's been looking for colleges, what he hopes to find there, etc. I'll see some friends, hear them talk about their semester, and I'll be happy for them.

I'm naturally a selfish person. I shy away from community service and babies and old people because I don't want to deal with any of that. I don't donate money like I should and I don't really pay attention to people asking for prayers because, in all honesty, I never really believe that they will do anything. And then I have spurts of selflessness that only happen because I want to feel good or because I think they'll benefit me. And it's terrible. I hate how much I don't care. But I want to be better. I want the spirit to shine through me. But it takes time. Maybe this holiday season I'll actually realize how much I can help. Maybe if I get off my dumb computer for two seconds or if I stop reading that one book I will be able to make life easier on my parents, my grandparents, my family.

Don't misunderstand me though. I don't think I'm the worst person ever. Some of these things are slightly exaggerated (but they really aren't), but I have so much room to change. And I want to embrace the idea of helping people and of knowing people. I can be better. I will never be completely like Christ, and I should strive to improve. Maybe I've been feeling so bad because I keep focusing on myself. My Youtube channel, my feelings, my anxieties, etc. without really looking towards everyone else. It won't solve my problems, but it will better me.

It's just weird because literally every single November/Christmas I get worked up and I'm like "Yeah! Family! Yeah! Not asking for presents! Yeah! Getting things for others!" and it never ever works like I want it to. Like this is the second Christmas that I've considered asking for absolutely nothing for Christmas (like making my parents and family do something else rather than get me things) because 1) I do not need all the stuff I'm given 2) Someone else could use that money on better things and 3) The whole point of Christmas is being with people and celebrating Jesus and I forget that far too often. And thankfully this year I really truly don't plan on asking for anything other than maybe socks and some kind of solution to my bed problem at home, but what about next year when I'm not that strong and I want a new lens or some other new technology? I understand that people buy gifts to show support and love and stuff, but there are other ways to show that. There are better ways to do that. Participate in a worship night with me. Sit around the fire while watching a classic Christmas movie we all love. Playing games (I just learned how to play Spades and you know I'm gonna try and play it over the holidays). Like why can't we just get over gifts? Okay maybe if you really want this one thing (my mom wants a Fitbit) and you don't feel like you can/should get it for yourself, I can justify everyone getting one thing, but the amount of gifts given and money spent in the past few years on Christmas is just obnoxious (to me). Again, I understand why and how it happens, but I think we're going about it all wrong.

And the real question here is why am I not able to say all of this to anyone in person? Like okay, I can say it to Laura, but she doesn't really count. She's like my second half. What about my Mom? My Dad? My roommate even? I have so many people I could share my thoughts with and yet here I am typing away on my computer. It's so annoying.

This made no sense. I shall go and work on my Taylor Swift speech now. Okay bye.