I'm Going Home

Tonight is the last night I have to sleep in my dorm room for a few days. Tomorrow is the first time going home since I started college. I honestly thought I was excited and happy to go home, and I mean, I am, but we had this really intense bible study session tonight and now I don't know what I feel. Sarah Beth and I were both in tears when we brought up our relationships with our moms, and I just don't want this week, no the REST OF MY LIFE, to be ruled by the feeling of anxiety and annoyance when I think of my mom. If you're reading this Mom, I am sorry. But I have this intense feeling of...well, I feel like now that I know what it's like to be a free adult, I just feel like if I spend too much time with you I'll snap and go back to my "I really don't want to talk, stay away from me" self. I don't think I have enough time to get to that point on this trip because I am literally running from the moment I get home until I leave (Steak & Shake date, hair cut, dermatologist, work, Thanksgiving, my trip into Chicago, and probably work and Perks with Laura on Saturday), but it's a real possibility in the coming years and months. God, I need you to help me figure this relationship out. Why is it that I get so annoyed and why do I shut down whenever she's around? Help me open up to her, please. Help me get the kind of relationship that I see other mothers and daughters have. Help me put aside my pride like Sarah Beth and help me to see things from Mom's point of view. Help me, God. Help us.
I'm not exactly nervous to go home, I'm more excited. I can't wait to show everyone how much I've grown. I'm ready to laugh and have inside jokes and to feel some sense of normality. I can still remember the day that I left when I passed the last sign for our town. When I took a picture on my iPhone because I thought it would be important, and I will never forget that moment. The moment I went from being a secure 18 year-old high school graduate to a slightly less secure 18 1/2 year old college freshman. I have changed a lot in the past few months, but I know that I will be happy to see my Dad tomorrow. And Jon. And Mom and Laura and the Shoes and I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH HAVING A ROOMMATE OR SUITEMATES. I can sleep in my big bed and turn off the lights when I want and I can drive places.
Also, I pray that it's God plan for me to be an SLA. These girls that have joined my life are working wonders and I want to do that to someone. I just hope I didn't dream up this calling...