Up and Down

The past few days I've been very up and down. I am no longer stuck in the February blues, but April isn't easy. I've spent the past week almost flipping out over talking to my mom about going to prom (because she will probably have a heart attack and I will want to cry when talking about prom in general) and I've read a few more books and I'm just in general very, well, up and down. With each passing day I'm more certain that I'm going to room with Kirstyn and I am just beyond excited. I feel like we're going to mesh so well and become those roommates who understand each other and become best friends and do nerdy things together. Also, the weather's getting warmer. And my birthday is like 2 weeks away almost. Plus, Paramore's new album is gorgeous. And I'm actually kind of shocked that I'm hanging on in my classes? Today I payed attention in Econ and actually participated (like hardcore leading the group) in a group discussion during English. I may not know what's going on in Physics or Government, but I'm doing my calculus homework and feeling like a boss doing it. It's funny how things have a way of working out. And just now typing that, I'm realizing how stupid I've been for fretting about asking my mom about prom. She's going to say I can go. She's going to want to buy me a dress. She's going to love the idea. I'm just terrified. Why? There is nothing she can say that will hurt me or punish me. Whatever her answer, yes or no, I'll be satisfied. Anyways, when I finished Requiem yesterday, the last passage really hit home.

"Take down the walls. 

That is, after all, the whole point. You do not know what will happen if you take down the walls; you cannot see through to the other side, don’t know whether it will bring freedom or ruin, resolution or chaos. It might be paradise or destruction. Take down the walls. Otherwise you must live closely, in fear, building barricades against the unknown, saying prayers against the darkness, speaking verse of terror and tightness. Otherwise you may never know hell; but you will not find heaven, either. You will not know fresh air and flying. All of you, wherever you are: in your spiny cities, or your one bump towns. Find it, the hard stuff, the links of metal and chink, the fragments of stone filling you stomach. And pull, and pull, and pull.

I will make a pact with you: I will do it if you will do it, always and forever.

Take down the walls."

- Requiem, Lauren Oliver

I need to take down my walls. I need to remember that I have changed and grown and I'm not the scared little freshman I used to be. I can talk during discussions and do spontaneous things. I am a senior for God's sake.

So I don't know where the rest of this month will take me. I know I'll be seeing Jim Gaffigan on Saturday. And I'll keep making money. And I might decide to pick my stomach off the floor and talk to my mom about prom. But I am much happier than I thought I'd be. It's nice when life is exciting.