I will do this.

Fitness. Healthy. Skinny. Whatever you want to call it, I want it. I want to choose salad over breadsticks and almonds over M&Ms. But sadly, I'm not that girl...yet. I've been building up this person inside me who's ready to change, but the girl on the outside is still chained. And I don't like it. Mentally I'm ready for run in the freezing cold and do yoga in my basement and drink loads of water. Physically, I suck. And I've always sucked. I never liked running or gym class or any of that (well, except soccer) and I hate myself for that now. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate how I look or who I am. Do I wish I had a flatter stomach? Yeah, but doesn't everyone? Do I wish I had less flab on my arms? Mhm. But even though I want to change, changing is actually very hard. This past year I've made a few good changes (tracking what I eat...mostly...trying to walk, walking a lot at work) but that's nothing major. I keep telling myself, "Oh, well, in college when you have a free gym, you'll be better. You'll change." But I don't know if that's true. The only thing I keep holding onto is the stupid freshman fifteen. I've seen people gain it (not naming names, but some of my now-in-college friends are pudgier than they were in high school), and it's terrifying. Especially when they used to be tiny in high school. I mean, if I gain 15 pounds, I will be a freaking monster. And so, I've made myself a tiny request. Lose the freshman fifteen. Right now that's the goal I'm going to set myself. Lose fifteen pounds by the end of your freshman year in college. It sounds horrible and hard and impossible, but deep down I feel like I can do it. It's going to be frustrating, and I'm going to need help along the way, but I want it so badly. I keep seeing things that will help me, and I hope I have the money to follow through with them because they look amazing (iPod Shuffle for working out, more workout clothes, FitBit One). I want to change, but change is hard and I am weak. No, I will not be weak any longer. I will be stronger than this body. Something has to change because I can't keep living in this stupid suit of fat that makes me feel disgusting. I'm going to try to get the Wii hooked up in the basement so I can do Wii Fit after school. And I promised myself that tomorrow I will run outside, even if it kills me. I will start doing more planks and tricep dips. I will make myself eat more vegetables at dinner and lunch. I will eat more filling breakfasts than cereal. I will drink water every day after school. And even though at first I will break these promises, hopefully that means that in the fall I'll be ready to keep them. And I'm hoping that by cutting off all my hair in June I will become a new Jenna. A better Jenna. A healthier Jenna. And anyone who doubts me, well, we'll see what happens in the next year. Maybe by next summer I can be proving people wrong.

I have to do this. I can do this.  I will do this. For me and me alone. (Okay, and to maybe show some people up, but who can blame me?)