I will be okay.

It's the end of another weekend and I'm still really alone. You'd think that having done it for so many years I'd just get over it. And I do love being alone, don't get me wrong. More often than not I hate hanging around people for long periods of time, but when you spend too much time alone, things just start to snowball. Soon you start hating everything you have and wishing you had someone and avoiding the whole world. And I hate that about loneliness. Before you know it it creeps up on you and you just get this ache in your gut that can only be satiated by being with that one person or two people. And it sucks. I just hate life right now. It's beautiful and I have basically everything I could ever want and the next few months are going to be fantastic, but the right now the right freaking now is horrible. It's so hard to sit in the same classes for seven hours a day with people who annoy you and teachers who don't really care about you learning things that won't even matter or stay in my head for the next five years. I'm trying to hold on, I really am, but there are so many things that are pulling me down down down and I don't know how to sort out how I feel. I just wish I had someone I could go through this with. And immediately I can feel my brain giving me answers to that wish. God, Laura, Hannah, Mom, Dad, God. I need to trust Him more. I need to hear Him more. I need Him. And for some reason I've forgotten that recently. And I'm truly sorry. It makes me think about that poem Footprints in the Sand and I can see God carrying me now and it's amazing. That idea literally just gave me so much hope. It makes me so happy and calm. Seriously. Right now. He's carrying me and I don't even have to ask. He's been carrying me for a while now, I can tell, but it's horrible that it took me so long to notice. I'm sorry, Father. I will never be able to thank you enough. Thank you for carrying me. I can see the light up ahead, and I know we will walk together soon. For now I need your help, though. Just get me through April. I know I can make it in May. Two months. Two months and I will be okay. Just give me the strength to get there and to do wonderful things. I will do wonderful things. I will be better. Thank you thank you thank you. I will be okay.